Waking Up

September 20, 2020

Waking Up

You wake up. You feel like there’s a soggy cloth sitting inside your skull where your brain should be. Your Lego Batman alarm clock is emitting its high-pitched beep on your bedside table as you lie there, slowly becoming conscious of the drool flowing from your open mouth to a damp circle on your pillow. [[Whack Batman's head to get 5 more minutes of blissful sleep]] [[Groggily sit up and grab Batman and slide the alarm button on his back to OFF]]

Your cheek falls back into the pool of spit on your pillow and you immediately go back into the dream you were just having about swimming in a shark-infested pool with nuns. In what feels like a matter of seconds, Batman is beeping again. [[Whack Batman's head to get back in the pool with the nuns and sharks]] [[Groggily sit up and grab Batman and slide the alarm button on his back to OFF and wipe the drool off your face->Groggily sit up and grab Batman and slide the alarm button on his back to OFF]]

You shake the lingering dreams from your head and drag yourself out of the bed. You draw open the curtains, letting sunlight flood into the bedroom, making you squint. Once your eyes have adjusted, you see that it's a beautiful morning. Squirrels are jumping around in the leaves of the trees in the front garden, which have started their journey from green to brown. You long to be outside climbing trees too. Your elderly neighbour Mavis is returning home, clutching a newspaper. She sees you and raises the paper in salute as she walks up her drive. [[Smile and nod at Mavis]] [[Stare at Mavis as if she has wronged you]]

Once again you find yourself in the swimming pool with the nuns, but the sharks have now floated out of the water and are drifting around near the ceiling like they’re on the International Space Station. One of them has some black cloth hanging out of its mouth. It looks suspiciously like a nun’s habit. The nuns in the pool are treading water and discussing whether to play water polo or go to Laser Quest to settle their score with the monks. You swim over to them. They ask you if you’re in the monk’s pockets? That is; a spy, not a monk’s Tamagotchi or something. You consider their question and answer: [[I am but a human child, born of shark]] [[I would answer you, dear nuns, if I had but time – for I hear the bat a-tolling, calling me back to whence I came->I am but a human child, born of shark]]

Mavis smiles as she opens her front door. You should pop round later, you think. You worry that she’s lonely. She doesn’t seem to have as many visitors as she used to. You look back at Batman. The digital display in his chest tells you that it’s 08:52. Eight minutes until you need to be at “work”. Since working from home has become the norm, you’ve been getting up later and later. And some days, like today, you’d much rather bunk off and go to the seaside. [[You haven’t got time for a shower. Head to your office (a cluttered and too small kitchen table) and get the coffee machine on)]] [[Screw work. Turn the shower on, and get the coffee machine going while you’re waiting for the water to heat up]]

Mavis looks confused and hurt. She fumbles with her key as she tries to unlock the door. Once she’s got it open, she gives a worried glance in your directon. When she sees that you are still staring at her, something hardens in her expression and she flips you the bird before heading inside. You sigh. You don’t really know why you just stared at her like that. You look back at Batman. The digital display in his chest tells you that it’s 08:52. Eight minutes until you need to be at “work”. Since working from home has become the norm, you’ve been getting up later and later. And some days, like today, you’d much rather bunk off and go to the seaside. [[You haven’t got time for a shower. Head to your office (a cluttered and too small kitchen table) and get the coffee machine on->You haven’t got time for a shower. Head to your office (a cluttered and too small kitchen table) and get the coffee machine on)]] [[Screw work. Turn the shower on, and get the coffee machine going while you’re waiting for the water to heat up]]

You stare at the laptop, willing it to load faster. The coffee machine has started to do its burble bop by the time it’s usable. You get your emails open. There are 238 unopened messages. You scan through the list of senders and find it hard to muster up the desire to open any of them. You close your eyes and select one at random, waggling the mouse around and double clicking. You open your eyes to an email from Kev in Accounts Payable. It’s something about receipting a PO. You’ve not raised any POs recently and its obvious that he’s mixed you up with someone else. [[Reply to Kev and politely inform him of his mistake]] [[Reply to Kev with: Dear Kev, Thank you for your email. Best wishes, Kev]]

You sing Do you Believe in Magic by the Lovin' Spoonful while you shower and get yourself squeaky clean. [[Once you're washed and dressed, you decide you'd better get on and work. You go and turn the laptop on->You haven’t got time for a shower. Head to your office (a cluttered and too small kitchen table) and get the coffee machine on)]] [[Once you're washed and dressed, you stare out of the bedroom at the squirrels a bit more. Screw work, you think. I'll go to the seaside]]

You wake up. Something tells you you won't back to sleep now, no matter how much you wanted to know what the nuns were going to say next. [[Groggily sit up and grab Batman and slide the alarm button on his back to OFF]] [[Try to go back to sleep.]]

You shut your eyes and attempt to rejoin the nuns. Try as you might, sleep has departed. [[As if possessed, your hand feels its way over to Batman and slides the alarm button on his back to OFF->Groggily sit up and grab Batman and slide the alarm button on his back to OFF]]

Pleased with yourself for having done a minute amount of work, you decide it's time to pour yourself a coffee from the machine. You'll be fancy and heat up some milk for it. You get the milk from the fridge, and a pan from the cupboard. When you attempt to pour the milk into the pan, only a tiny amount comes out, the rest getting stuck in the neck of the bottle, having curdled into a solid mass. The smell makes you wretch. You put the bottle on the side. You feel on the cusp of being sick. [[You leg it to the bathroom just in case]] [[You pour yourself a black coffee and sit back in front of the laptop and hope your stomach settles down]]

The new message notification sound bloops and an email from Kev comes back. Dear Kev I am Kev. I don’t think you are Kev. Best wishes Kev [[You reply with: Dear Kev, Yes you are right. Sorry. My mistake. Best wishes, Kev]] [[You ignore Kev’s email and get on with work]]

You only just make it to the bathroom and flip up the toilet lid in time. A torrent of bile is exhausted from your mouth. The effort makes you sweat. The soggy cloth in your head feeling intensifies. Your vision blurs a little and it seems like sparkling stars are spinning around the room, bouncing off the tiles. You swear that there is a weird green and purple person shimmering in the corner of your vision. [[You take a gulp of water from the sink. And then head back to work/the kitchen->You pour yourself a black coffee and sit back in front of the laptop and hope your stomach settles down]] [[You say hello to the shimmery person.]]

Kev replies and says sorry for the mistake, and thanks for pointing it out. Perhaps you should both go our for a drink, when things were a bit more normal? Fat chance, you think. The day blurs into a deathly boring cycle of emails, Zoom meetings and coffee, that trundles on until 5.00pm. All day you've told yourself you'll go outside and get some vitamin D, but when it comes to it, what little enegry you started with has depleted entirely, so you crawl to the sofa in the front room and lie in front of the telly. [[You stare thoughtlessly at an old episode of Neighbours from 1996]] [[You stare thoughtlessly at an old episode of Home & Away from 2002]]

The shimmery person says hello back. They ask whether you would like to travel the universe with them? [[You say thanks, but you've got work to do]] [[You say, yeah, that sounds OK]]

Before you know it, you've watched 6 episodes of Home & Away. [[You take yourself to bed and sing the Home & Away theme tune to yourself in your head until you fall asleep->You wake up]] [[You take yourself to bed and sing the Round the Twist theme tune to yourself in your head until you fall asleep->You wake up]] [[You take yourself to bed and think about that episode of Eerie Indiana where the kids are preserved in Tupperware until you fall asleep->You wake up]]

The shimmery person vanishes and you go back to the kitchen. [[You poor yourself a coffee->You pour yourself a black coffee and sit back in front of the laptop and hope your stomach settles down]] [[You forget the coffe, there's too much to do->You pour yourself a black coffee and sit back in front of the laptop and hope your stomach settles down]]

The shimmery being raises its arms and sings in a strange language. You feel your body become shimmery itself, and soon you are just a cloud of atoms, somehow still able to think. The being introduces itself as Barbara. Barbara inhales you into their lungs and travels around the universe with you inside them. You can see out through their skin, and feel a great contentment as you gaze at all the unfamiliar planets and solar systems, and the crazy unknown lifeforms that you encounter under more skies than you could ever have imagined. THE END

Before you know it, you've watched 6 episodes of Neighbours. You take yourself to bed and imagine that you're playing tennis with Susan Kennedy. Toadie and Harold turn up and ask for a game of doubles, Bouncer the dog at their heels. [[You say yes to a game of doubles, bagsying Harold for your team->You wake up]] [[You say yes to a game of doubles, bagsying Susan for your team->You wake up]] [[You say yes to a game of doubles, bagsying Bouncer the dog for your team->You wake up]] [[You say yes to a game of doubles, as long as Toadie is not on your team->You wake up]]

Your day turns into a blur of emails back and forth with Kev until you manage to convince Kev that he isn't Kev. Just as you're about to log off, you receive an email from HR to tell you that you've broken Kev's mind once too often, and you've been suspended (again). You heat up some spaghetti hoops to have with some toast. As you eat it, you smile and think that now you don't have to work the next day, you'll have a nice trip to the seaside instead. THE END

The day blurs into a deathly boring cycle of emails, Zoom meetings and coffee, that trundles on until 5.00pm. All day you've told yourself you'll go outside and get some vitamin D, but when it comes to it, what little enegry you started with has depleted entirely, so you crawl to the sofa in the front room and lie in front of the telly. [[You stare thoughtlessly at an old episode of Neighbours from 1996]] [[You stare thoughtlessly at an old episode of Home & Away from 2002]]

You walk to the train station, whistling to yourself and enjoying the sunshine on your face. When you get there, you look at the train times. There is a 09.32 to Walton-on-the-Naze from platform 1, or a 09.34 to 1356 from platform 2. [[Board the train to Walton-on-the-Naze]] [[Board the train to 1356]]

You have a pleasant journey to Walton-on-the-Naze, starting out of the window and daydreaming about alpacas. When you arrive at the station, there's an ice-cream seller selling ice-cream from their bicycle. [[Get a funky-banana flavoured ice-cream->Get an ice-cream]] [[Get a rum and raisin flavoured ice-cream->Get an ice-cream]] [[Get a chocolate flavoured ice-cream->Get an ice-cream]] [[Get a clotted cream and strawberry flavoured ice-cream->Get an ice-cream]] [[Get a salted caramel flavoured ice-cream->Get an ice-cream]] [[Get a vanilla flavoured ice-cream->Get an ice-cream]]

You enjoy staring at the countryside from the train window and daydream about llamas until you hear the conductor announce that you've arrived at 1356, where the train will terminate. You go to the door and press the open button. It hisses open and you look down to discover there is no platform, only fields. You jump off the train, which promply shrinks down to the size of a toy train before vanishing with a pop. You wander around until you find a village. From the villagers' dress, you realise that you've travelled into the past. Asking around for work, the village witch agrees to take you on as an apprentice. You eventually become a fully fledged witch yourself and have a very pleasant life. THE END

You wander around Walton-on-the-Naze and lick your ice-cream. You're having a very nice time. You stop outside the pier, which has the slogan "The Happiest Sound in All the World Is the That of Childrens Laugher" emblazoned above the entrance. Which creeps you out slightly, to be honest. [[Go on the pier]] [[Yeesh, you're not going on the pier. You go up and check out the Naze Tower at the top of the cliffs instead]]

You go on the pier, which is pretty much deserted. There are some 2p machines. You have a go on them and win a keyring with a creepy kind of old woman doll attached to it. You go outside to the end of the pier and look over the edge. You notice that a group of 12 humanoid monsters that appear to be made of seaweed are slowly emerging from the sea. You assume that they're going to attack the town for some reason. You go down to the beach to check it out. [[Pick up a nearby bucket and spade and attack the seaweed monsters with them]] [[Ask the seaweed monsters what they're up to]]

You enjoy climbing the tower, and enjoy the view from the top. [[You wish you had brought your binoculars with you, and then decide you might as well check out the pier->Go on the pier]] [[You're glad you happened to have your binoculars with you. You saw some good stuff with them. You might as well check out the pier->Go on the pier]]

You attack the seaweed monsters, but the bucket and spade prove to be ineffective weapons. The monsters overpower you and take you back into the sea. They bestow you with the power of underwater breathing and enslave you to work in an office job which is pretty much identical to the job you already do. You regret attacking the seaweed monsters. THE END

The seaweed monsters tell you they were just planning on playing the 2p machines a bit and getting some fish and chips. You hang out with them and have some fish and chips on the beach. You get on famously and become lifelong friends. THE END

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